small and invalid

It's no particular secret that, for some time now, I have been seeing a psychologist.

Partly this is because I am a well-medicated depressive; but mostly it's because I fucked up my life in one fell swoop about 2 years ago and the ripples are still spreading out from the epicentre of Cass-tastrophy.

I'm not really sure what seeing a psychologist is actually supposed to achieve but it's nice to be able to talk things over with an impartial observer who doesn't encourage me to do stupid things like dying my hair black or aquiring 12 cats.

...Not that he discourages me from doing those things - he just gets me to think it over first.*

Yesterday he asked me how I felt about a certain issue in my life. I though for a bit and then remembered what had come to me the night before.

I am small and invalid.

He asked me what I meant by that, and I said:

Small - adj., small·er, small·est.

1. Being below the average in size or magnitude.
2. Limited in importance or significance; trivial: a small matter.
3. Limited in degree or scope: small farm operations.
4. Lacking position, influence, or status; minor: “A crowd of small writers had vainly attempted to rival Addison” (Thomas Macaulay).
5. Having been belittled; humiliated: Their comments made me feel small.
6. Lacking force or volume: a small voice.

Invalid - adj.

1. Not legally or factually valid; null: an invalid license.
2. Falsely based or reasoned; faulty: an invalid argument.
3. Utterly without merit (my definition).

Then something weird happened. He lifted his glasses and smoothed the corner of his eye with his thumb. I didn't think anything of it until he did it again with his index finger a minute later.

I think I made him cry.

*12 cats would certainly have a certain aroma, I think. One I probably don't need in my life.