Worst cat ever

For the first 3 months of Elsie's life, Damien would go to work every day and I would spend my time mainly cuddling and feeding her in the nursery with a giant bottle of water nearby and a feeling that I was VERY lucky to have a tablet computer and access to the internet. I watched a lot of online TV and listened to a lot of podcasts.

Having a tiny baby is like when there is a cat on your lap and you need to go to the bathroom but you feel bad about disturbing the cat - only about a million times worse.

I am REALLY not looking forward to doing it all again, but Damien wants to give the one frozen embryo we have a shot. I hate everything about that, because I don't want another 3-6 months of newborn hell and I equally don't want another miscarriage. Also, I am thirty-fucking-nine this November. Surely I am too old for this shit?

I have explained all this to Damien. He does not care. He just wants another fucking baby. Feminism is dead. I have no reproductive rights. Huzzah!

** I am not quite as anguished or angry as I sound; just very, very miffed. **

F**k mother's day

This year on mother's day (my second 'real one' with Elsie), I got thinking about all my other babies. Elsie is my 5th child. The others didn't make it. Now that she is no longer tiny and entirely chaotic, she makes the others seem more real.

On mother's day, it's easy to forget - or ignore - that not everyone wants kids; and not everyone who does can have them; and not all of them will survive or thrive. 

Life is a crapshoot. Forget thankfulness and mindfulness and 'magic happens'. Just do whatever the f**k you want and try not to hurt anyone else while you go about it.